You can't really see it all that well in this crappy cell phone pic...but on Tuesday in my building bridges group our leader gave us those little ceramic hearts. We are supposed to carry them around with us all week and when we see them we are supposed to stop and ask ourselves...how is your heart? That night in class we were all asked to share what our feeling was at that moment. Mine was angry. I shared that when mom (my grandma...we were supposed to call her ma-mom and our grandpa was pa-pop but she was always just mom and he was just pop :) anyways I shared that when we lost her I guess I did a little bargaining with God. She had lived her life and was hurting and ready to go. So, he could take her but and it was a big BUT...He would let Jeff live. He would let him see his 35th birthday plus some and Jeff would be here to see his girls grow up. But, He didn't. He took Jeff too. This broke me. And so as I confessed to these almost strangers that I was angry and not only was I angry but I was angry with God. There was a lady in my group that told me I shouldn't be. I tried my best to prepare myself for the worst while still clinging to my belief that my God was big enough to heal him. I remember calling the morning that Jeff passed away, the morning that we were all expecting it to happen. And when they told me that his numbers were still looking okay I let myself believe that God was really going to do it, He was going to perform this miracle I had been begging for. Only for an hour to pass before getting the call that Jeff was gone. I felt so let down, so dumb for believing, I felt abandoned!! I felt and still feel angry. So since Tuesday I have been struggling with my questions, my doubts, my anger and wondering if the lady from my group was right. And the story of Jacob from Genesis where he wrestles with God came to mind. I feel like that's kind of where I am at right now. I'm wrestling with God. But for those of you not familiar with the story or how it ends...Jacob leaves a changed man. Not only is he left with a limp but even his name changes. You see in old testament days a persons name was linked to his character. In Genesis 32:28 it says "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." So through his wrestling with God Jacob was so radically changed that even his very name changed. So maybe in my struggles to understand and accept and deal with all the feelings that come with this loss God is using that to strengthen my faith. Maybe at this very moment, despite my anger, he is nurturing a relationship with Him that will be unshakable.
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